Author's Note: Shortly after the release of The Adventures of Commander Zack Proton and the Red Giant, I met with myself at my computer desk to conduct this series of four interviews.  For the sake of clarity, the Interviewer will be shown as Brian, and Brian will be shown as Author.

Interview with the Author
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First Interview

So this is where you write?  In your kitchen?
Yes.
This place is a mess.
Well, it’s not always this bad –
Look at all this cat food on the floor.
They’re messy eaters.  I sweep up every day.
No you don’t.
Okay, every couple days.
If this were a restaurant, the health department would close it down.
Can we talk about my books?
Is that your writing desk?
Well, kind of.
That’s a printer stand.
I know.
Why is your computer on a printer stand?  And your printer is on the floor.
It’s not the best arrangement in the world, but –
Dude, it’s the worst.  Why don’t you have an office or something like a normal writer?
My wife uses the extra bedroom as a sewing room.
How much room do you need for a sewing machine?  Why can’t she put it on the
printer stand?
That’s a whole ’nother story altogether.
Well, tell me.  This is an interview, remember?  You’re not making this easy, you know.  I got nothin' so far.
Okay.  I used to use the spare bedroom as a writing room, but we moved everything out of there a couple years ago when we got our new carpet installed.  When we moved everything back, her sewing machine was in there, and my computer was out here in the kitchen, on a printer stand next to the cat food.
I can’t write that.  It makes you look like a wimp.
Well at the time I wasn’t doing much writing but she was sewing a lot, and I thought maybe she deserved the room more than I did.
So now you’re writing more?
Oh, yes.  A lot more.
Then why are you still out here with the cat food?
. . .
You are a wimp.


Second interview:

I’m here with award-winning Zack Proton author Brian Anderson –
I’m not award-winning.
What?
Zack Proton hasn’t won any awards.
I thought they always gave awards to educational books.
It’s not educational.
Oh.  I thought it was all sciencey or something.
No.
But it has literary merit, right?
You just said "sciencey" and now you're asking about literary merit? Have you even read Zack Proton?
I looked at the pictures.  I love the pictures!
No, it's not a literary book.  It's just wacky fun, like Captain Underpants.
I guess I won’t bother reading it then.
Why are you interviewing me if you haven’t even read the book?
Maybe because nobody who has read the book wants to interview you.  Did you ever think about that?
Can we just start again?


Third Interview:

I’m here in the kitchen of noted children’s author – can I call you “noted?”
Sure, “noted” is fine.
Noted children’s author Brian Anderson, author of the Zack Proton Mysteries.
They’re not mysteries.  They’re outer space comedies.
Really?  Kids love mysteries.
These are comedies.
Have you ever read the A to Z Mysteries?
Yes.
Or Third Grade Detectives?  I love those.
Me too.  Can we get back to my books now?
Of course.  That’s why I’m here.  Now, since Zack Proton is your first published book... oh hey, do you mind if I get a glass of water?
Sure, the cups are –
I know where they are.  Man, somebody ought to do these dishes.
I’ll get to them later.
It must be hard to write with all these dirty dishes piled up here.
Yeah.  There’s cold water in the fridge.
There’s Cokes in here, too.
I know.
Can I have one?
Go ahead.  Get me one too, willya?
Can’t.  There's only one.  Are these pretzels still good?
I thought you were here to interview me about my books, not clean out my pantry.
You’re not much of a host, are you?  I bet if I took time out of my schedule to interview Louis Sachar or Rick Riordan, they wouldn’t try to starve me to death before we even got started.
All right, fine, have some pretzels.
I’m gonna get me a bowl of ice cream, too.
Get out of the freezer.
Gross!  Dude, there’s a dead snake in here!

Fourth Interview

I’m here with disgusting children’s book author Brian Anderson –
You’re sure you don’t want anything to drink?
Yes, I’m sure.
Something to eat, then?  Some fruit or something?  I got cashews.
Brian, you have a dead snake in your freezer.  I’m not eating anything in this house.
Okay.
And when are you going to do those dishes?  This place must be Grand Cockroach Station when you turn the lights out.
I can’t believe you got yourself so worked up over a dead snake.  You're such a wuss.
If you were a restaurant, the health department wouldn’t just shut you down, they’d throw you in jail.
Do you realize this is our fourth interview and we still haven’t said anything about my books?
I feel like calling the health department right now.  What kind of ghoul keeps a dead snake in his kitchen freezer?
Do you want to finish this interview somewhere else?
You mean like the county jail?
Look, if you're not going to interview me, why don't you just leave?
Good idea. I need to go home and burn my clothes anyway.
Remember to take them off first.  Or not.
Enjoy your dinner. [Leaves]
Putz.
Loser.

Brian Anderson lives in Austin, Texas.  He no longer does interviews in his home.